Wednesday, June 13, 2012

The beginner's guide to making an item number.

(1) The Item Girl.


The star of the show. The one who is going to carry the song (or in some cases, the entire film) on her shoulders. Typically, A-grade dancers do not qualify for this job. It is usually given to dancers of grade C, grade D, or ideally, grade DD. Willingness to shed clothes should be proportional to her lack of dancing skills.


(2) The Lyricist.


This is the easy part - It involves two basic steps:


(a) Come up with a cheesy sobriquet for your item girl. It must be sufficiently obscene, yet amply titillating to ensure curiosity levels. Popular examples include Munni, Sheila, Anarkali, Chikni Chameli, Chhammak Challo, Jalebi Bai and so on.


(b) Use the keywords - Jawaani, Kamariya etc to form the base of your song. Further, you can use the following optional add-on language packs:


- 'Chak de', 'Soni', 'kudi', 'Shava Shava' etc to make it a bhangra-style item number
- 'Maula', 'Ya allah' etc to make it a sufi-style item number
- Chyayla, Aila and AiGa to make a Lavani (Marathi) Style
- "Baby", "Chill", "I wanna..", "love" to make a Western-style item number


(3) The Musician


This one requires some luck. If you get a good director and a good item girl, then your job is purely ornamental. Just bang a few utensils together, insert a few grunting and moaning sounds at strategic positions, and your task's more or less finished.


Later, add monotonous thumping rhythms and some alien sounds (Call it a "dubstep" to sound fancy). Get someone to mumble "Yo babay", "Oh Baby", "You baby" like a black rapper and you can convert the song into a "Club Mix", a "Lounge Mix", a "Dhol Mix", a "Rock Mix" and so on.


(4) The choreographer/cameraman


When you have a girl whose movements are worse than a stampeding buffalo, these jobs become slightly challenging. So here are a few thumb rules:


- The worse the dancer, the more the need for skinshow.
- The shot angle change should happen along with the beat, to provide the illusion of rhythmic body movement
- No shot should last more than three seconds. The objective is to expose the girl, not her dancing skills.
- To make the girl look enticing, surround her with a dozen ugly male extras who sniff hungrily around her body to simulate passion.


And with that, your item number is ready to be stuffed into a movie. For best results, stuff it in just after the interval, to keep the audiences from running away after the first half.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Top 10 ways to look busy at work.


(10) Create random reminders on Outlook and set them to flash every now and then. (This works especially well if you frequently use your laptop to give powerpoint presentations)


(9) Set your office chat client status to "Do not Disturb" every now and then.


(8) Always hold a pen between your fingers wherever you go, as if about to write something down


(7) Keep a notepad handy with some business jargon written on it. When you scoot off for coffee/cigarettes, leave this open notepad on your desk for anyone walking by, to see.


(6) Walk around in office wearing your phone's bluetooth headset all the time. When talking into it, gently press your fingers against it, like the cool blokes in Hollywood movies.


(5) Walk up and down inside the washroom, talking loudly on the phone.


(4) Add the line "Sent from my Blackberry/Mobile device" to your Outlook email signature on your computer as well.


(3) *ALWAYS* keep a complicated Excel sheet open in minimized mode at your PC. when someone walks by, Hit Alt-tab and press random buttons on the Excel ribbon.


(2) Conclude telephonic conversations with clients/co-workers by saying  "Can you drop me a mail on this?"


(1) When in the midst of an uninteresting conversation, whip out your smartphone and stare intently at it. Press the Menu key, scroll around to each icon, then press the Home key. Repeat.

Friday, April 6, 2012

The Tirunelveli Life


Early to bed and Early to rise.
Bucketfuls of Sambhar and tubfuls of rice.


Idlis and dosas for breakfast and lunch
Murukkus and Seevals for that occasional munch
"Tirunelveli Halwa" that's softer than butter,
A cup of Filter kaapi never tasted better!


Veshti-clad Annas and baniyan-clad Thambis
Racing on Pulsars wearing nothing but lungis
Pedantic maamaas and gigantic maamis
Well-suited Ayyaas and ill-suited Swamys


Memories that send my mind into raptures
Images so vivid, no camera ever captures
Where life always seems to crawl in second gear..
Can't believe I've already spent eight whole months here!